Eyes on the finish-line

With the help of constant motivation from a few special people in my life, I have spent the last week sitting in front of my computer, for hours on end, determined to accomplish a few key things before classes reconvene next Thursday. My priorities include polishing my resume and portfolio and filling out what seems to be endless applications for scholarships, internships and jobs. The whole process terrifies me! Prior to my internship, I had never assembled a resume for myself. Pair that with a portfolio, and interviews on the horizon (none of which I have any experience with), I'm a bit overwhelmed. Which is probably why I've delayed it for so long. The process is tedious, monotonous, and an extreme bore. It would be completely unattainable without my more-than-occasional break to snack, check Facebook, write on my blog, meet with a friend or play my guitar. The distractions are many, but I will achieve what I have set out to do. Even though I’m accomplishing something, I feel inactive and unpleasant, sitting at the computer—all—day—long.

Christmas vacation has felt extremely long, which I am grateful for. The time I have been able to spend alone has been nice. I feel like I’ve reunited with my old self—the one I've been seeking after since I've been home. But I am ready for classes to begin. I am anxious to attack my final semester with persistence and determination to receive straight A’s. Now that my “semester from hell,” as I like to call it, is over and I’m beginning to feel normal again, I am certain I will achieve this goal, and many others I have set for myself for 2010.

After writing such a specific goal, I feel compelled to share the following. I have been told in the past that I have a fear of commitment. I have come to realize that it’s true. The lack of commitment others have shown me has led me to refrain from dedicating myself to any one thing. My fear is that I will inflict pain on others (and myself) similar to what I have experienced, as a result of my own lack of follow-through. Sharing this blog is an enormous step for me. My heart races every time I hit “submit post.” I worry that one day a reader will come across something I have written and recognize that I have not followed through with my commitments, or find other discrepancies in my writings. Similarly, I struggle with opening myself up to others. I am reminded that, “To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.” In attempt to defeat my biggest fear, I have decided to allow my innermost thoughts to be revealed through these entries. Aside from my confiding in Cara, this, I assure you, has never been done before.